I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
