I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I can't put those talents on a resume
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
