I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
