we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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