These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's never too late to be topless.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
