11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
