I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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