thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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