My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
