Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
