If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize