We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
