Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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