Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
