"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
