I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize