I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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