i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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