from now on my penis is your penis
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
