At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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