can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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