I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize