Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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