Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
