I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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