Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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