Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
