I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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