He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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