Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
this is an emotional support booty call
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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