so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Watching her eat just hurts me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize