Someone shit on the floor
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
