break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
