So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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