I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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