I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
