Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
