Don't make out with my wife yet
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Also, beer. Big fan.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
