i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
