She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
