so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
