Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
