god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
