My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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