i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Randomize
