So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
