Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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