Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
