That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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