Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
