today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
