If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
