My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
