I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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