my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
