We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
