I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i permit you to call me
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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