Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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