I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
