He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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