Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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