We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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