my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
