ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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