if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
