How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
