I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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