she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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