You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
