I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
