I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
