Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
