apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
